Apparently I am supposed to write something. I suppose I could be a smartass and say, “Hah, there, I wrote something,” but I suspect that would just get me thwapped. I suppose it has been a bit since I wrote much of anything which is probably not smart. Okay, I know it isn’t smart and yet, at this point, not writing has become more of a habit than writing. Awful, I know, yet there it is.

I used to write all the time. I used to be consumed with words and writing was easier than pretty much anything else. It started to change when I had to start censoring myself around certain people in order to keep information from getting back to places it shouldn’t. I also started pulling away from people and then that became easier than reaching out. Sad, I know, but true. These days, I’m doing good to interact with people on Facebook let alone reaching out to them in other ways. Now I’m consumed with words that never go anywhere.

I suppose in some regards what started as a defense mechanism to protect myself turned into more of a habit than I would like to admit. Now, reaching out to people is harder than not. I occasionally entertain the notion of chatting with people on skype or even FB chat and then become totally overwhelmed by the very idea, a feeling usually coupled with the self-doubting question of “who would want to talk to me?” It becomes easier to just let the whim to chat pass instead of figuring those things out. Wow, that sounds pretty pathetic and yet it doesn’t feel pathetic…okay, somewhat, but mostly it just feels overwhelming and a bit sad.

I wish I didn’t become so easily overwhelmed these days, but the simple truth is that it doesn’t take much at all to be overwhelming. I suspect part of it is due to pain levels. When you’re fighting an on-going battle with your body, everything else can somewhat take a side seat. And yet there is a theoretical solution to some of that. Finding a new doctor and trying to get back at least some of my meds would help, but the idea of trying to find a new doctor is completely overwhelming. I don’t really want to deal with the risk of the “you’re too young” speech or another doctor that won’t prescribe my medicines, so for now, I just take extra ibuprofen and try to make it through. It’s stupid. I should be able to find a new doctor, but the idea almost always sets off a panic attack, so I just keep struggling through.

Other things that are stressing me out include Girl Scouts. On one hand, I do want to take over the troop, because I want the girls who are still interested to have somewhere to go. On the other hand, all of the paperwork requirements and rules and regulations involved are enough to make anyone’s head spin. I keep going back and forth on the whole idea, but the time to make the decision is getting shorter and shorter. What I need to do is finish up the things I need to do to become a leader and go from there. Or maybe I should start by talking to Cindy since it’s her troop that I’d be taking over. She obviously stepped down as leader and Danisha wants to focus on the Daisies, so it does leave a bit of a void. The other question is do we even still have three girls who are interested in continuing? I know Dani and Lizzie said they were a couple of months ago, but I don’t know if that’s changed in the interim. Maybe that should be the place to start? I just don’t know.

Beyond that, there’s the zomgthehouseisadisasterarea issue. It’s hit the point of being totally overwhelming. The last year has pretty much seen tons of things getting tossed around will-he, nill-he without much regard for order while we packed for various trips or events. Now, it’s an out of control mess that just makes me want to pull my hair out. There is no clear place to start and that is ridiculously frustrating and well, the idea of starting is just as exhausting as actually doing something. It’s something that needs doing and yet finding the energy for it is hard. I suspect that some of this also comes back to the general state of body fuckery and pain levels to be perfectly honest. It’s all part and parcel of the whole, I suppose. Whatever it is, it’s something that really needs remedies and soon or I think I may just go nuts from that. How sad is that? The situation is super stressful and yet I can’t become calm enough to actually tackle it. ARGH.

I wish there were a magic wand to wave that would fix it all but that’s a futile waste of time. Barring that, I wish I could manage to find the focus and ability to be able to work on it…and that Rin could find the same at the same time. I know the mess isn’t helping either of us mentally and yet we can’t break past the anxiety to deal with it. There’s irony for you.

Oh. Yeah, this is why I don’t write much anymore. It sounds like a fucking broken record and I haven’t solved the problem so it feels dumb writing about it again and again because then I just feel stupid on top of overwhelmed. Goddamnit. So fucking stupid.

Whatever. I wrote something. Shut up stupid journal thing. (I have an app called DayOne and Rin saw the writing reminder thing for it and told me I should write, so I blame the app reminder.)