(I started typing this as a status update but it was way too long for that, so I shifted it here.)

This week has been a rough week. For those of you who are also friends with Rin, you know that her Mawmaw’s brother passed away from cancer yesterday and that there are other health concerns from other folks in her family.

What you might not know is that in the midst of trying to deal with this news and everything else, she has also been dealing with me and the horrible reactions I was having to the new medicine the doctor put me on. At first, it was just seeming to make me more tired and that can happen. When I stair stepped up the dose like I was supposed to, the tired got worse and brought some friends along. It was making my anxiety ramp to pretty vicious levels. I was angry about…everything. One day, that was so bad that even people breathing around me was making me angry.

But, you know, we have a tween who hasn’t settled into a regular monthly cycle yet so hormones tend to run a bit crazy around here and sometimes that happens. And my anxiety tends to ramp at this time of year and so maybe it was that.

It all came to a head on Wednesday. One, I didn’t want to left alone. I was never worried that I was going to physically hurt myself so let’s make that disclaimer straight up, but I was mentally beating the hell out of myself. Everything I did was wrong/bad/a failure. I spilled my cereal – dry cereal, an obvious accident – and I was kicking the shit out of myself for being stupid. The real moment of clarity that it was the medicine and not just a hormonal/seasonal ramp in anxiety came when I realized that I couldn’t go to my massage appointment with Natalie – who I adore and who I let work on me in places I don’t normally let massage therapists work – alone. I needed Rin in the room though Natalie is not a threat, and is in fact usually one of my favorite people to see because she is awesome. At that point, it became clear to both of us that this medicine was not working.

She called my dr the next morning. Frustratingly, we haven’t heard from her. I do have an appointment Tuesday and I am hoping that it is just a clerical error somewhere, but we will see then. I did however refuse to take it again no matter what the dr said. In fact, the idea of taking it again almost gave me ANOTHER panic attack so that was pretty clearly a bad idea.

This week has been hard as hell and I have tried to be as “normal” (or you know, my ‘normal’) as possible, mostly to avoid scaring the hell out of my kid. It hasn’t been easy. We did finally explain that I was having a hard time with the medicine, but kept it fairly simple. She has walked into the room to me being upset or in tears a few too many times this week and that is frustrating to me. It makes me feel bad.

Thursday, I had to get blood drawn. Turns out that having six vials drawn wipes the hell out of me and that was frustrating as hell. We had a Brothers of the Wind meeting at the library and that was hard to face. An much as I didn’t want to be alone, I also didn’t want to see people. I actually managed to make it through okay, largely thanks to one of the wee ones who kept amusing me across the table. But it was hard. Afterwards, we usually go out to dinner with folks. Unfortunately, the restaurant had been chosen without any deliberation and…I couldn’t eat anything there.

Given the fragile state of my brain and the fact I had had six vials of blood drawn, going and trying to nibble on maybe a salad and watching other folks eating wasn’t really an okay option. I was a bit upset but was also sort of okay because, well, people are scary. Rin was much less okay. She was both upset because she wanted to hang out with folks and also upset because there wasn’t even talk of a potential venue change. (For reference, there is a pizza place not far from the library that does have GF options that is pretty tasty.) I know that there will be times that I will have to make do with what is available and I think I have made a bit more peace with that because I have needed to for my own sanity. Rin was upset less that they were going somewhere I couldn’t eat and more that they didn’t seem to care. Because she was upset and because I am still dealing with side effects from the damn medicine, I kept having to fight my mental urge to kick the crap out of myself for inconveniencing Rin in a week where she really needed a break. She kept trying to reassure me she wasn’t upset with me and while I was trying to hear her, my brain wasn’t really listening. It made for a bit of a frustrating evening.

It actually got a bit better just by us wandering around Kroger being goofy, and even though later she received the news about Tommy dying, she had a good long chat with her sister and she was doing better. It is things like that that have been keeping me going – little moments of good stolen in between the moments of mental turmoil. (Of course, a household thing came up to ruin some of the calm while the kiddo was in the shower as the ceramic soap dish fell and almost landed on her poor toes. Now we have to figure out a) why it fell and b) how the hell to fix it but that is a challenge for another day.)

If you’ve talked to me this week and thought I was acting oddly, well, I was. Mostly, I’ve been keeping to myself and trying to do distracting things like playing Candy Crush. It has sort of worked. What I haven’t managed has been any significant writing of either the personal sort or the NaNo sort, so I need to try to get focused again because I am very behind. Hopefully, as the rest of the medicine clears from my system, I’ll be better able to do that. I’m also hoping that my dr will give me my old medicine now that I tried her option. Cross your fingers.

I honestly don’t know why I’m writing this aside from the fact that it feels right and it feels as though I should. Maybe someone else is having a rough week and something is making them crazy and they need to know they are not alone. Or maybe it is that I’ve been pretty open about things lately because I am tired of trying to keep all of my mental quirks to myself in the name of appearing as someone who might have their shit together all the time,. Maybe it is just cathartic in its own way. Who knows?

Oh! On the positive front though, kiddo and I both will have insurance again as of 1 December and that is a pretty huge deal. The first goal will be to deal with the rouge gallbladder because I really don’t think that is helping me feel better right now. I’m scared of the idea of surgery, but I also haven’t been thrilled with the occasional twinges from that region and I would really rather get it dealt with before it decides to go septic or something. Ick. So, yes, definitely a bright spot in this chaotic week.

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