I’m struggling a lot right now in a couple of these areas, the biggest being “admitting I have a problem to more than a select few people”, & some of her points here hit home on a variety of levels.

I started another new medicine last night. It is a class that I’ve not tried before, & I am trying to be cautiously optimistic, but at the same time, I’m bloody terrified. I have tried so many medications in the last couple of years that have caused such a variety of side effects and problems that ANY new medication has become suspect. Yet, I am trying to not let the negative voices win, because if this medicine works like it is supposed to, it would be a blessed relief.

Either way, the reality is that between my chronic physical health problems and my chronic mental health problems, I can’t remain in the corner with my thumbs in my ears pretending that everything is fine. In August, I had an honest to gods nervous breakdown, & I am doing much better now, but it is a huge process that is a struggle not just for me, but also for the people around me. I want to be fixed immediately because I know what happened and I know ways to do better and to keep it from happening again, but desire and reality don’t always go hand in hand.

Rin has been a fucking trooper through all of this, and I honestly don’t know how she continues to put up with me. Yet she does. And she gently points me in the direction of essays like this one to show me that even if I am as utterly fucking nuts as I believe I am some days, I am not alone, that there are other people like me out there. And she has been slowly inspiring me to write again, not just for myself, but maybe also for sharing again. I suppose this long winded comment is a step in that direction.

Hi, I’m me, and I have anxiety that can be so crippling that even the -idea- of talking to anyone else can send me into a panic. I have been struggling with this more in the last year than I ever have before. Some of it is a direct result of brain chemistry being altered by physical disabilities. Some of it stems from the place where I feel unworthy, where I feel that I am never enough, and that I might never be either of those things. This is a very real, very painful struggle; yet, I am doing my best to actually do the struggling part instead of letting the Anxiety Monsters win. Some days, I manage some of that on my own. Other days, I put my trust in Rin because she keeps telling me that the Anxiety Monsters are wrong, and in August, when I was completely broken in her arms, I started to -really- listen to what she was saying.

Last night, she had to hand me the first dose of the new medicine, & she held me as I took it. She’ll be my champion no matter the outcome, and that is part of how I am managing to say any of this right now. And maybe soon, she’ll be able to get me to the local UU church again even if we’re going to be late, because I did really like the people, and I do really want to go to services. So, maybe soon, I’ll manage to get out of my own way there, too, because I know she’ll be beside me. But for now, I’m going to bed because my new medicine currently makes me very sleepy and perhaps slightly non-sensical.

Foxglove & Firmitas

Alternative Title: I’m Gonna Keep Talking About This Until It’s a Generally Accepted Thing…

It happened again. Someone posted another article on mental illness being a sign of a healer being born on the Local Pagan Facebook Group with the general overarching but not direct message being that all native and ancient cultures saw it as this. Now I don’t deny that mental illness can be the birth of a healer. I’ve known too many people who have struggled with a history of it, myself included, that haven’t found themselves called to help others dealing with similar problems.

However, these articles tend to stress how society is actually the sick one, and how we need to stop shoving pills at people to fix all their problems.

Anyone who has ever been on psychiatric medication will probably tell you that pills don’t solve all the problems and most professionals are pretty…

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